Listen with your eyes
Listen with your eyes. Look with your mind.
By Cheryl E. Harrison
My search for trust and truth across four continents: My quest was to figure out how to build trustful relationships in business. I discovered hidden truths among diverse societies. Through continued business dealings and personal experiences, I learned to understand unique social insights – not from spoken words and written translations – but rather from keen observation deep within the “tribes”.
Over the past decade, I commuted from San Francisco to live and work in Delhi, Tokyo, and Amsterdam. Multiple, continuous trips. Agonizing conversations, friendships fostered, close calls.
Business investments in each country lead me to a deeper quest for understanding the risks, evaluating the people, and building lasting trust relationships.
Failures brought about my greatest insights. I strived for long-term success. Contracts signed. Agreements made. Impatience to complete the critical paths for business projects and to conclude preconceived goals was my worst enemy. Often, I felt that there was no end in sight.
Most of all, I learned to “listen” differently through observation. The spoken languages were not my own. Across cultures, among generations, through conflict and disagreement, despite vague expectations and decoding the local vernaculars, I wrestled with how to navigate business endeavors and everyday challenges while living inside of these foreign experiences.
Eventually, preparation of my own mindset fine-tuned my ability to adjust and adapt to more widely contrasting situations.
By the time I had mastered the art of business negotiation in one country, I was unleashed into the challenges of doing business in another culture - - entirely new, foundationally different.
Here’s what I observed.
Cues from the tribes and clans
In Delhi, I realized the cues of status, societal contrasts, and how to navigate unrelenting distractions.
Complex social norms were shockingly evident. Upon my arrival, I observed that there were high risks cloaked in India’s beauty, and wisdom hidden in the unexpected. Outright, there was showmanship of status and layers of power playing evident among the tribes. The great social divides and hierarchy of India screamed out loud. Dress and demeanor defined the classes and religious sects.
Originating through my western relationships, I followed thin threads of trust networks so that I could avoid inevitable risks. I learned to navigate who I would work with, where I should go, and the few I would be able to rely upon.
As a Caucasian woman, I could not walk alone at any time of day for any reason.
Without understanding the native tongue of Hindi, or dialects from India’s hundreds of local regions, facial expressions and visual cues were sometimes my only guide. In business, I anticipated temporary graciousness short-lived promises, and limitless distractions before I was able to meet the truth and business trust that I sought.
In Tokyo, my cues were to decode the combination of manifested power, hierarchy, imperial history, and patience.
I experienced the tension and discomfort of others when I entered any room as a businesswoman in a Japanese setting.
I came to realize that my seat at the executive table in the center position of power was uncomfortable for the Chairman. For others at the table across from me, my professional position was unexpected and unfamiliar. Earning trust in the boardroom was a very long journey that sometimes resulted in futile outcomes.
In Japan, hundreds of respectful, gracefully welcoming neck bows of gratitude meant nothing in the end. Business strategies behind the scenes were fierce and complicated.
I came to accept that my boldest moves forward in business would be made outside the corporate setting. The truth of the deal would be revealed many hours after work, over rounds of beer, sake and abundant sushi platters. Even then, achieving business results could require multiple overseas commuting trips, walking away from deals, witnessing shame, and enduring constant perseverance before any decision moved up the ranks to the Chairman. It was only the Chairman who would decide. And his timeline was many times longer than mine. I doubted if I would ever know the truth of why – or why not – he would ignore important issues or if he would decide to proceed.
In Amsterdam, I studied cues of humor, curiosity, expectations, and shared values.
Anywhere in the Netherlands, I could relax to be myself. My Dutch family heritage offered me familiarity with the pace of the people and the bright melodies of the spoken Dutch language, interspersed with more subtle murmurs of Commonwealth English and dialects woven through a wide range of well-integrated tribes.
There was no pretense of dress or status, only honest appropriateness. Most arrived at business meetings on bicycles wearing casual attire, comfy coats, and walkable shoes. Interactive collaboration was the name of the business game. During business, men and women were equal allies. All ages, ethnicities, languages, and personal diversities were acceptable and naturally integrated.
Protestant values of practicality, self-responsibility, and personal independence prevail.
Well-orchestrated discourses among colleagues, included superb advance preparation, punctuality, and establishing clear deadlines. Discussions and debates on important topics lead to principled and intelligent discourse with productive outcomes. Setting business expectations upfront, meant that the expected results would very likely get done on time and within budget. Potential challenges would be anticipated and outlined in advance. Still, there was time allowed and planned for remote work scheduling to accommodate any kids or family members who were cared for at home.
Ideas and updates were commonly shared standing at the coffee bar. Light gossip and quick, sharp humor carried workers with agility through their day. When the work was done, the offices would gradually empty beginning at 16:00, to enjoy a “biertje and borrel” at a nearby local pub with fellow work associates. The office head, CEO, or company president joined in these after-work rounds of beer and laughter. Friendly conversations continued on into the early evening over light meals at cozy local restaurants.
I learned to respect that there’s absolutely no work completed on weekends or during personal holidays. Family comes first. Sharing adventurous travel stories, exploring remote travel destinations, and planning summer camping trips were common social conversation topics. Often these trips included risk-taking anecdotes with suspense and intrigue.
The Dutch would also find great pleasure in the diminutive occurrences of their lively energetic, everyday lives. Their attitude was nearly always positive, intelligent, honest, helpful, and approachable. Their camaraderie, memorable jokes, and sharing juicy stories would help cement some of my most trustworthy connections.
Ten reflections of truth and trust
My experiences commuting back and forth from San Francisco to Delhi to Tokyo and Amsterdam went far beyond “just doing business” across continents in these cities.
Conversations emerged to become the colorful moments I remembered. And, in each place, I discovered unique human behaviors concealed in the small corners of district localities within streets, neighborhoods, cities, countries, and continents – all in unexpected places.
The vantage point of how different societies operate stemmed from generational traditions that evolved and deeply set expressive cultures. Observation of these cultural nuances helped me anticipate likely outcomes not only in business dealings but also in building lifelong connections and friendships.
Searching for and understanding the subtleties of demeanor were the key ingredients to building these very special personal bonds.
Eventually, over time, I crystallized my diverse experience into a set of universal truths. These ten guideposts of observation helped me foster long-lasting personal connections and lead me to accomplish many of my goals both professionally and personally while navigating some of my most perplexing and rewarding circumstances.
Here, I share with you the truths I came to know, about how to build trust.
Power – Hierarchy, status, and privilege can each drive decision-making in different ways. One needs to understand who holds the power within the group and where the hierarchy lies. Understand how people maneuver within structures of status, hierarchy, and privilege. Someone may be very high status in a business context, but someone else in another context may have high status because of their knowledge or enviable level of unique expertise. Another may have coveted access to a celebrity figurehead. Focus on how to embrace status, because your command, respect, and honor of status within the tribe build deeper connections.
Values – What people value greatly influences their priorities and actions in life. Come to understand the value frameworks inside the society. And, lean in to uncover what is most valuable individually to each person. Respectful, mutual decision-making is a process guided by these values and societal priorities. What is the value proposition desired for each party that can lead to the optimal negotiated result? Value is often not about money or business. Instead, the value may be found in status, power, stature, or aspiration. Look to see how rivals gain value with power. Expect that the top hierarchy within tribes will model, define and determine what is valuable. They will also be the ones who make the decisions that lead to action.
Faces & Gestures – Expressions and gestures often tell more of a story than the spoken word. The moment you interact with people in everyday life, you begin to observe human patterns of style and emotion. So, your goal is to carry conversations forward and drive the agenda to a point of common, relatable interests. Faces and gestures are the way in which you understand what people are “really” saying. Even if you don’t know the spoken language, you can translate the messages of the words by looking into the eyes and faces. Notice the postures by seeing the feedback of what is relatable. Observe the smiles and the fidgets. Look for tension and upset or confusion in the tribes. Model the emotions you may want to change. Be relaxed while interacting and speaking. Faces of joy can laugh without sound.
After Hours – Outside the office building or workplace, is where important personal connections can be made. Discover the foods, the details, the places, and the environments where people naturally spend their time. These are the secret places where people find comfort to open themselves to honest connections. This is when people are no longer confined by work expectations. After hours, business employees become real people. It’s when they break down their guards. You learn about their wives, their families, what they do on the weekends, and anecdotes of their lives and spirit. This is where and how you build your tribal trust. Important truths about those surrounding you and who you are with will undoubtedly be revealed.
Patterns – Notice the distinct differences in culture and the patterns that drive behaviors. By finding these human patterns, you can anticipate the likely actions. Systems unlikely to change are already in place and in practice. Values repeat. What processes have succeeded in the past? What similar roads could you follow? Understanding patterns will help lead to faster progress. Trust relationships cultivated across distances achieve mutual success outcomes when built on solid patterns of expectations.
Connections – Understanding, researching, and absorbing the history, of the locality, city, region, or country brings layers of critical knowledge. On a more local level, you're able to understand the proximity of different neighborhoods and the social strata where tension and compassion may lie. Study the maps to see the geography. The downtown. The villages, the seaports, the hubs of activity, the adjacencies of districts, alleyways, and transportation systems. Where you are matters. Inquire about the local news and concerns of those you are with. Past and recent festivals, conflicts, protests, governments, policies, rules, and laws, all weave the society together. Also, look deeply into the flavor of individual perspectives. Realize the origins and aspirations of the tribes for making long-lasting connections.
Preconceptions – They enter the room to meet you with preconceived notions. And you also have preconceived thoughts about them, their place, hierarchy, and stature. To form your opinions, you may have already gathered the big picture of the country of your travels, the city, the history, their biographies, and life experience backgrounds. Dive into situations to understand these histories. What do they think of you? Have there been prior tensions among the tribes (such as war or trade or politics) where remnants may still exist in the minds of those you meet? Prove preconceptions wrong if needed, as fast as possible. Live and be within your individual person and centered truthful self, despite being judged. In these tribes, you will never be like them. And they will never be like you. Preconceptions will eventually soften. However, take heed. When tensions in the business rise and challenges become insurmountable, these same preconceptions you thought had been quelled, may rise up again in concealed, unanticipated behaviors that drive less desirable results, with serious compromise or failure.
Humor and Curiosity – Humor is your greatest tool to surprise, alert, engage, and importantly, put people at ease. It’s how to connect with people. Realize that your humor may be entirely unexpected. Others may be perplexed, at first. But humor explored and practiced can transcend the message of spoken business topics. Humor paced at the right time breaks down barriers with laughter and puts others at ease. Consider the art of your questions. Your curiosity about personal nuances, norms, and opinions will allow the tribes to engage with pleasure.
Expectations – Manage the expectations of your critical outcomes. There have been many times when I believed actions, resolutions or results could be successfully achieved in three months’ time, with a few overseas trips. In reality, these achievements took three or four years over the course of many long-distance travel commutes. And, if I had just observed society more deeply from the start, I would have better managed my own expectations. Documentation, observation, and reflection, along your journey, should bring forth more accurate insights to trust those your work with and understand true expectations.
Observation – The key that ties all experiences together is careful observation. Take time to take in your surroundings. See new places fully. Think about your experiences outside of yourself from other points of view. Knowledge may be richly absorbed – less from what is verbally said, and more from what is experienced. You don’t know and may never will comprehend the meaning of the words in the language of the tribes, so keen observation of behaviors may be your only guide. Seeing people in context brings to light the wide range of cultural differences of the clans – not only experienced from country to country but also within the same room, from person to person.
Parting thoughts through my journeys
Through all these experiences, and personal stories from the places I traveled – San Francisco – to Delhi, Tokyo, and Amsterdam, ultimately, my quest has been to revitalize enjoyment and personal enrichment, in the process of succeeding in business dealings overseas, and across continents. Despite the distance, language barriers, and thousands of unfamiliar customs, I found that the most critical path to success is through keen observation aligned with these ten guideposts.
Reflections shared are distilled from certain moments, hours of exploring, days of preparation, and years of airplane commutes. Business outcomes could be unexpected, frustrating, rewarding, or expensive, but in retrospect, each one of these experiences was valuable to my journey and goals.
My process of building these global business connections was founded brick by brick with constant challenges and circuitous quests. To enrich my experiences, I slowly learned to approach my encounters with enthusiastic curiosity and heightened awareness. When I succeeded in doing so, my travels and business revealed immense rewards.
Trust differs distinctly across cultures. The way to build trust is by staying vigilant for cues of respect, personal connection, and traditional customs. Eventually, I learned to translate these truths through the tongue of the tribes.
Listen with your eyes. Look with your mind.